Rant of the clinically insane

I came to Hyderabad on Nov 2008, SAP gave me the boot cos of the market downfall (I felt so confident that the industry masters were dumb enough to fuck with the economy).

Talking on the challenge of getting another job (since I had only one month to get married) and keeping my head high, I accepted a job offer with a company called Scorp.

From day one I wasn’t happy with Hyd. Hyd lacked the quality that other Indian cities had. I have been in Chennai, Bangalore and Bombay, well in reality all these cities can't be compared to cities like NY, Hong Kong etc they were bearable. Hyd through my eyes was like being in the up class slum area. But fate wanted me to experience this place.

I said to myself, let me try and give this place a chance (I was tired of shifting ever so often). I joined Scorp on Dec 1st, the people in my team are weird – they burped and farted and they didn’t even think it was disgusting. I was shocked, depressed and confused often asking myself what the fuck 1 was doing here.

For the first year I had no work. I really wanted to do something; I started exploring ways to make the process better. No one came in my way and nobody gave a shit. I was being ignored, in the end I got the message (they didn’t want any change, people were happy with the ways things were).

This place just got me down each day, but I did not focus on it cos I was going through the married phase. I had good days and bad days both at work and in life. I wanted to be able to provide a good life for me wife, that was my main focus. I had the confidence that I can be something and accomplish something in life.

Work for me was something that I could divert all my frustrations towards. I wanted to excel and when that option is not given I get uneasy. I tried, I din give into the internal politics and I never did. Recruitment is something I love to do, but this place started denting that opinion. I never bargained for pay, every time I went for an interview my question was what the nature of work would be.

I was always put down in life, by teachers, friends, peers etc. What made me this way , a recluse was the bastards in school the so called teachers. I was always considered a threat to the normal order of things. I was punished for wearing my trash jewelery; I was punished for not saying the school prayer. I was even punished for not singing the national anthem. People often ask me why I hate India, I have my reasons.

Roughly around 2 weeks back, I got to know that Scorp is gonna give me the boot. This time I panicked silently. Me and Jane were in Spar, she knew something was up – my chest felt tight. I did not want to freak her out but she is all I have (oh apart from Hyde). This year started of great, I came to know that I was gonna be a pop and trust me that’s a real good feeling.

So why I am freaking out now? I don want to be a loser to my kid, I don want to sell my car. I was proud cos I was making the payments and it was not a gift (well thanks to my MIL for the down payment) – but you get the picture. I have fears that things would slip away from me.

Every night I am on my knees, pleading to the father above that something works out by this month end. I won’t blame GOD if he takes his time, cos when things went well in my life I didn’t even care to acknowledge him. I just hope I have the strength to rise from this regardless of what happens. If I have to sell the car then so be it (I might scream, shout etc), but I know for a fact that I wont let it be the last of me. I will arise like the phoenix!!!

The curse of CHRONOS

I will take what’s rightfully mine; I will take your youth
I will make you regret
I will make you cry
You will beg plead and cry
It won’t matter at all
I have done this for a while
I will do so for all eternity

1958 – 2009 (The day music died)

1982 the music scene was bombarded with Thriller (I was just 3 yrs old). Fast forward to 1990, the first song I ever heard of MJ was ‘Leave me alone’. I was hooked instantly, I always tuned on to the radio hoping that they would play that song.

MJ was frowned upon by my folks and the Indians from that generation, rumors that he was involved in the occult etc circulated around (maybe they said it so that we wouldn’t listen to him), I didn’t care – cos I connected to that song. I still don’t know what it was though.

So one day I recorded the song on to a tape from the radio, and kept listening to it over and over again. In late 1992 Beryl (May his soul rest in peace) played Dangerous and that was it – MJ had done his magic. From there on I went in search for Thriller and BAD, listened to it and he was my icon, my hero. I tried to do the moon walk and tried to stand on my toes.

He was a dude, who cares if he changed his skin colour (it was his life and he had every right to do so – even if I feel he looked really good with a dark skin shade). Think about it has anyone ever dared to imitate his fashion (from dress to dance to singing style), wonder why? – Cos there is only one MJ and only one KING OF POP period.

There were times (before I made my music shift to rock etc) that I found solace in MJ’s music. I was a teen with my hormones going crazy, his music kept me in check. That was the indirect impact he had on me (like how metal kept my teenage rage in check).

As far his child molestations charges goes (maybe he did it maybe he didn’t) – and at times I have said that I would not listen to his music anymore (cos I was disappointed that my hero could have made a mistake). Now that I have grown my stand is otherwise, we all make mistakes in life cos we are not perfect.

I grew up listening to this guy, hoping to be like him (childhood dreams). Now that he is gone I am in a state of shock, a part of me has also passed away with his death. In a couple of years maybe my kids might go through my music and listen to MJ, I am sure it won’t have the same impact as it had on me. It’s like listening to the Doors, yes I find there music excellent but that history is to do with my previous generation – get what I’m saying.

In couple of days when the dust settles MJ will be forgotten just like everyone who have passed on before. In a years time they might have a memorial concert and foundation started in his name who knows, but in 10 or 20 yrs time when one day you hear his song play you will know that on this planet there was a man who used his talent to bring happiness not only for himself but to the world too.


In Doc McLean’s American Pie there is a line that goes like this :

“I can’t remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.”

- Referring to the deaths of Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P Richardson.

I know there are people out there who will agree with me when I say that on 25th June 2009 “the music died”.

RIP – MJ you will be revered in our hearts.

HYDE!!!!!

"Sit!!! Stay!!!! Why did u pee in the house", if u happen to move along the corridors of our apartment (1st floor) you probably would have heard me or my wife scream these words at the top of our lungs.

Hyde is our first born, the most loving, caring and let’s not forget naughty lil mutt. There are days when both of us have had enough of him and in the spur of the moment we want to give him away (I feel bad most of the time to even have the thought running in my head). The best thing each morning after kissing ma babe is to see Hyde wag his tail and lower himself just for us to give him little bit of time to pet him.

He is a smart guy too; he reads our emotions and actually knows when to keep quiet(This is a rare occasion but when it happens we know we have someone who just listens to us). He’ll do anything for attention i.e. mess the house up if we haven’t given him the required amount of love. When J was in Bgl for a month Hyde was properly potty trained, every night he used to sleep (with his head near my feet) with me in the bedroom. Ever since I stopped him from sleeping in the bedroom, he has taken it personally by peeing in the hall etc. I have whacked, shouted but he doesn’t give shit, this is his way of saying dude this is my house too!

It’s been nearly 10 days since I stopped smoking, I don’t know why I quit. But I would like to think that its cos of J and Hyde (I want to be around for a long time and smoking ain't working out in that dept). I am ready for kids after getting Hyde into my life (it’s gonna be challenging but hey nothing in life is easy).

Guess I moved off topic, I am a person with very bad interpersonal skills. I keep emotions bottled up until I blow up one day. I know that would change cos of J and Hyde, both of ‘em have spirited personalities. All I am saying is that if any of you come home and treat Hyde like a dog (U will see me pissed). Hyde is not a mutt but a person (who has his good days and bad days). By the way if you don’t like dogs you’re not welcome to my place.

Even with all the screaming that we do at Hyde, we love him. Would I trade him (if your answer is YES then you are the dumbest creature on the planet) – HELL NO!!!!!!!

Hell's Accolade

At the funeral pyre, see the souls dance in the dark
For they know not where they’re to be bound
Thoughts of heaven, seems ideal.
But the deeds done, have led u here my friend
Welcome to hell


You’re laid to rest, six feet under
Trying to get the angel to look your way
But that’s not to be, for in your coffin I will be.
For the sins done you deserve to be here.
Welcome to hell


My demons, my curse I shall take
For your soul is here to stay
I’ll feed on your sorrow
I’ll thrive on your pain
Welcome to hell


Never mind the accolade in heaven
For eternity you will regret,
For taking the wrong road that led to hell


No embrace, just take your place
In the corner, or in the middle
Feel the sulphur burn, feel the maggots crawl
Be afraid, you’re alone


Welcome to hell.

Ode to death

Take me away, set me free
Let me be with the wild
Natures of twisted judgment
Feeling of remorse, thoughts of the past

Weary smile for the old days
People missed, people lost
Tears run down, I’m not far off

My time is short
In a battle I cannot win
Time the worst foe but a worthy advisory
Here I stand, I salute you

For you have stood the test of time
So long cruel world, my time has not yet come
I will go on and make time mean more

Solitude - Black Sabbath

My name it means nothing
My fortune is less
My future is shrouded in dark wilderness
Sunshine is far away, clouds linger on
Everything I posessed - Now they are gone

Oh where can I go to and what can I do?
Nothing can please me only thoughts are of you
You just laughed when I begged you to stay
I've not stopped crying since you went away

The world is a lonely place - you're on your own
Guess I will go home - sit down and moan.
Crying and thinking is all that I do
Memories I have remind me of you